It felt like a tunnel with a light at the end of it...I felt as if I was in outer space being sucked like a vacuum racing towards the light at the end as I could make out the dots like stars around me while rushing towards that light
It was back in 1995...my parents were constantly fighting ever since I could
remember, but it was pretty bad. I was only 15 and didn't understand a thing. My
dad was a university lecturer and my mom was a business woman. But I was also
always there to comfort and listen to my mom but I didn't have enough experience
or knowledge about life to actually understand what was going on or even give
the right advice, thus I fell into a state of minor depression, acting very
eccentric in school, having hard times focusing in class.
But I remember that year which was the 9th grade or form 3 of High School here in Malaysia was the mid high-school examinations called PMR. I was surrounded by the more intelligent students who were my friends. Malaysian Education system is very backward and absolutely sucks. Back in 7th grade or form 1, I was in the bright kids class but I decided not to be just known as a 'smart' kid or a dumb kid but as a person and an individual, so I didn't care too much about my grades or studies. I just wanted to be 'normal'.
That year, with the fights and problems going on at home, being so young I made the silliest mistake and decision ever. To try and score straight A's for my PMR exams hoping that if my parents were proud and happy, they would stop fighting and things would be back to normal and peaceful again. Biggest mistake of my life because sometimes children who see their parents fighting don't understand adult crisis or situations, so they blame themselves. It's usually the guilt, sorrow and frustration in life which causes the damage of depression that we go into a 'defensive' mode to protect ourselves from the outside world or reality and reduced back to an almost 'child like' state.
1 week before the PMR examinations I had went for 1 whole week straight without sleep, only meditating and trying hard to 'memorize' all the answers for the exams, which was a big mistake. As the day for the examination arrived, I had a nervous breakdown and my parents had to pick me up from school and I could never finish my exams.
At first I wanted my parents to send me to a psychologist or counselor so I may 'talk' my problems out with the psychologist who would then probably act as a 'mediator' for me to my parents and probably help THEM realize what they were doing to ME as well. But my parents went and brought me to a psychiatrist ( I still HATE them till this very day ), and psychiatrist's don't see you as a state of mind but as a bunch of hormones and chemical imbalances in the brain and give you pills to eat which make you feel 'less' human because you can't 'feel' certain things and you're almost like a 'robot' emotionless.
But at one point the doctor misdiagnosed me as Attention Hyper-Active Disorder ( ADHD ) when I was in-fact what they would describe as 'manic depression' or bipolar. She injected me with something to sooth me and calm me down. But I couldn't calm down and things got even worse. I remember crying so bad in the car and then my nerves started pulling and my muscles started cramping, I cried so bad that my jaw tightened and was pulled to the LEFT side and my entire left body just felt numb along with my tongue. My parents brought me back home and for 3 whole straight months, I was nearly paralyzed on my left side, barely being able to properly move my left arm or walk properly. My tongue was numb with my jaw pulled to the left, I couldn't eat, nor talk properly. My parents fed me mostly porridge, isotonic drinks and chocolate ever once in awhile for energy.
I thought that I would stay that way forever. But I did not know how serious the effects of the drugs could be on my bodies nervous system. Sometimes I'd literally forget to breath and my heart beat would stop for a few seconds. One night it got so bad as I was lying in the floor of the living room. My breathing was slowing down to a point where my chest could barely move, I was crying horribly as all I could remember was...my feet were very cold. My dad and mom were there in the living room. My dad called for one of my neighbors to help as I was saying " I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!" while crying horribly as it really began to feel as if the coldness was beginning to creep up slowly from my feet moving upwards and I couldn't feel my feet anymore. The feeling of that coldness creeping-up my body was the scariest and most intimidating feeling in my life.
As my family was Muslim, my father who was on my left was whispering in my ears the 'Shahadah'...which goes 'there is only one God' over and over again, which made me even more afraid because the 'shahadah' is only whispered into one's ear when close to the moment of death. I cried even more. I do remember Uncle Muharram, my nearby neighbor coming to help, but I was already hopeless on the floor. Slowly that feeling of coldness began to creep-up to my upper body to my chest, which slowed my breathing down even more and caused me to feel dazed. As it started to reach my entire body...I could barely feel my physical body anymore as everything was numb and felt like it wasn't even there. My vision began to blur into grey, then slowly turned white as I couldn't see anymore. I was so scared and so afraid at that moment as I knew somehow that I was dying. As my vision turned white, all I could hear were the voices around me, but slowly even my hearing begun to fade. As that cold numbness feeling began to creep up to my head.
At that moment I could no longer feel that I 'had' a body anymore but somehow I was conscious of my surroundings. In those moments of fear, I did sort of feel a presence by my right side, sort of comforting me through the process, as slowly I felt as if I was being lifted or carried away. What my body now felt like was that I was just a 'cold mist', it felt as if my hands, legs didn't even exist. That feeling of floating upwards and away could only be equivalent to diving into a swimming pool and laying on the bottom and letting yourself float upwards...accept the water is freezing cold that your whole body goes numb.
For a few seconds, I saw myself from above, lying on the floor, I saw uncle Muharram on my left and my dad on my right, my mother near the sofa looking worried, but I kept on floating upwards and away. For a brief second I saw the roof-top of my house. I saw the housing area where I lived from above, and as I got higher I could see some night clouds in the sky. I felt sad leaving my parents and my family...of leaving this world as I knew that I might never come back.
As I turned to face the direction to which I was being pulled, the moment I turned around...there was a bright blinding light, as I expected to see the moon. But at that precise moment as I faced towards the direction I was floating or being pulled towards. It felt like an instantaneous 'vacuum', as if I was being sucked in incredible speed towards that light.
It felt like a tunnel with a light at the end of it...I felt as if I was in outer space being sucked like a vacuum racing towards the light at the end as I could make out the dots like stars around me while rushing towards that light. The only way to describe the feeling was almost like riding a motorcycle at breakneck speeds without your helmet on...or sky diving with the wind blowing hard against you...that feeling of tremendous speed where you're helpless to do anything about it as you have no control.
I felt so afraid, as I thought that I might go to hell for some of the things I've done. I've only 'heard' them talk about it, but this time I realized, I might be GOING there. Worst of all so many thoughts were happening at the same moment as I also thought how young I was. I haven't felt what it was like to fall in-love, I haven't gotten married yet, I wouldn't see my family again or my friends and I haven't had the chance to experience so many things in my life, all these sad thoughts occurring at once which made me sad.
But as I grew closer to the light and felt it's shine, a sudden cool and calmness came over me. For the light made me feel peaceful all the sudden as I grew closer. It was a kind of peace and calm which I've never felt in my entire lifetime, even until this very day. From afar, as I grew closer to the light... I could see almost like figures in the light, like heads, people all dressed in white, as if it were some sort of congregation or a crowd...the more I came closer, the more I felt like 'staying' and my sadness and fears disappeared. It felt like that comfort feeling of 'home.'
My mind began to change with that overwhelming feeling of peace, comfort ness and calm, a sort of happiness I've never felt when getting closer to the light. The peace and comfort felt like being embraced or hugged by a lover, and the calmness felt like the feeling of lying in your lovers embrace after making love to someone special. The safety feeling it gave was almost that soft of safe and comfort feeling that we got when we were just a child being embraced and carried around in our parents arms.
As I finally arrived or hit the light, for a few seconds I saw a young man...he seemed around 17 to 20's. He looked a bit familiar and smiled at me as if he 'knew' me. He raised his hand to signal me to stop...and at that precise moment...I started breathing again.
I awoke, which felt as if I had been holding my breath underwater far too long. Slowly my physical conscious came back to me. I slowly began to 'hear' again...then slowly everything was white, then grey...and I could slowly begin to see once again. My senses of that feeling of my body slowly began to come back to me, I slowly began to feel my arms and my chest, and slowly...my legs.
I was alive! I was awake. My dad was right next to me and there was Uncle Muharram on my right. The first thing I did was to try and move my feet and my toes. They moved...
I felt relieved in some ways, but in some ways I did like that peaceful feeling of the light and I was sort of baffled.
But slowly, after this experience...my left side of my body which was paralyzed began to recover slowly and my physical condition began to recuperate. As soon as I got better and became 'normal' again...I was still very much dazed and blur due to that experience which I had went through...as I didn't know what to do with my life. But worst of all which I never truly understood was, the presence which I felt on my right side, comforting me during those moments in some ways, that sense...never really left me and I began to sense or feel things 'differently'.
I remember after I got better, we went back to my dad's hometown in the East Coast of Malaysia near Terengganu. As I was looking through my grandma's old picture albums. There I saw the person in that light whom I did not really recognized at first. It was my late grandfather who had passed away a year earlier. I could not recognize him as I've only known him as the way he looked when he was around his 70's, but the picture of my grandpa in his late 20's looked exactly like the young man whom I met in the light and had smiled at me. I guess he was saying stop...because it wasn't my time yet.
Ever since then, my whole life has changed. I began going for my dreams and ambitions in life without any fears to TRY new things out which has brought me very far in life and career achievements. But most of all I began sensing or reading people much easier, I could sense their pains, angers, frustrations, and sorrows, as well as their hopes. Sometimes when being close to people I could see visions of their past and sometimes if I concentrate hard enough...I could even see their futures. At some times I could sense what people called or deemed as 'restless spirits' or 'ghost' at places which some people deemed 'haunted' even before they tell me these places were considered 'haunted'.
Ironically, the emotional output coming from these 'restless spirits' seem very much similar to the emotional outputs which I could sense from 'living' people when it comes to seeing or sensing their futures.
This special 'senses' has helped me understand human beings, about life, God and creation. The more I understood about Human Beings, the more I understood about life and believed that there was a God, that He existed, and that there is a life after death and Angels. Today I try not to be racially or even religiously biased even though I do very much believe in my own faith, but I believe that doing good to one another as human beings is much more important as this is what God wants and I do believe that EVERYTHING in life happens for a reason and that I was given this...special 'gift' to HELP those around me.