I saw lights... not just the cliche' "tunnel" as most would say. These lights flashed by very quickly... pulling me toward something out of focus.
I cant think of anything that would bring more fullness to a life, than to
truly share a communication and understanding... that could show a person (most
likely in a relationship) just how completely accepted and loved they are.
We all say things, all the while... wondering if the other person 'really' knows what we mean. Do they see it in our eyes, facial expression... or voice tone... is what we silently wonder. I think its possible to reach a point where two people communicating can 'know' almost exactly what the other truly means. I also think bonds like this can be made at varying levels with the closer friends, to know someone's feelings inside as if you feel them yourself.
My search for this began at the end of 1994... when I got a few gifts from a source I didnt 'understand'. Back then, I was about 6yrs into studying different religions, not being a Christian... but believing in some kind of higher power. All my life, I tried to be a decent person, but with poor communication skills... and very little understanding of people in general. I was almost disinterested in anything that fell outside the boundaries of my life.
My only relationship I have had in my life so far, began in mid Sept 89'. It was a rocky relationship to begin with (she was injured in a car wreck <3 months after we met), not her fault, but insurance played games nearly 4 yrs). I helped all I could, to keep her afloat... and keep my finances stable, but stress caught up with me in 91' I got sick so I filed bankruptcy. Our relationship was handicapped by medical problems, money problems, and her past (she was badly sexually abused as a kid).
I can say with total honesty... that in the 5 yrs we were together, I don't think she ever fully opened up, accepted my attempts to love, nor return any love. Being an honorable man, for 5 yrs I didn't give up... after 5 yrs... she did.
In Sept 94', I fell upon some hard times. She had collected a settlement for insurance, gotten a car and what not... (about a year earlier). I never asked for anything, only patience. You see.... my cars engine blew, then a couple days later...
I had a stairway fall that wiped out my right ankle badly. Careless, and unable to walk made me unable to work. Arguments that were common for us, became a silence I didn't understand. The week that would have marked 5 yrs, she cheated, and left... I was injured, jobless, careless, and then very let down by her. I was stuck at home with the parents (which I still am, but by choice now)... and devastated in every possible way.
Now that I have set up the general plot... I will explain why my whole life changed in late 94'. You would think that all this is enough to change someone as is, and I'm sure it did to a point. In fact... it must have, cuz I never thought I'd do what I did a month later. I made a very strong attempt on my own life. Me, a large supply of valium (for stress & stomach), and a cold hill (about 45f) near my home played roll to a late October night I'll never forget.
I barely was able to walk, but I limped to that hill... climbed its side on hands & knees to spare extra pain. I sat there... and without fear or regret... took 60 valium tabs. I was already cold, I looked at my watch... and slowly faded... last recalling it had been about 15 minutes.... I passed out. That began the experience I will never forget.
I saw lights... not just the cliche' "tunnel" as most would say. These lights flashed by very quickly... pulling me toward something out of focus. Just as quickly as I tried to figure it out, I was there.... a room, very bright... but my eyes didn't hurt. I saw lights, standing still, but I could not hear or speak. My hearing came back pretty quick, still unable to talk... I listened... and I heard voices. I quickly realize they were discussing ME. Do I stay, or go back...
I heard pro's and con's to both.... lasting a few minutes. Something whispered in my ear "you'll be fine, stop worrying". I think panic was more the feeling. Then one voice, louder than the others... booms out "he must return, more to learn, more to do, more lives to effect... but he will need help".
Just as quickly as that voice finished... lights streaked by again... very fast. I woke up... like one of those falling dreams... and completely jumped as my eyes opened. I was alive! I tried to throw up, and nothing came out. I looked at my watch, and what seemed 5 minutes, was nearly an hour I was out cold. I didnt understand it... I was alive with enough pills in me to kill a horse. I was barely able to get up... walked (in pain) nearly 1/4 mile to a payphone. I paged a friend, stayed with him that night... never told my parents. It took me about a week to have the nerve to tell even my closest friends what happened.
That night changed me in ways I cant explain. suddenly I was able to communicate better... so much better... that arguments with my parents stopped and rarely if ever happen to this day. I could relate to my friends better, and get along with new people easily. My life, which once was intended to be decent... but with little concern outside my own matters.... became very different. I felt drawn to friends and people who were hurting, and needed to express it. Not only could I understand their upsets, I could understand their feelings like they were my own.
A month later, I wrote my first poem ever... and I still write today. I found myself able to reach people emotionally, and express a connection with them. It went beyond that after a short time. I don't know if you believe in paranormal things, psychic things... but I was quite a doubter most of my life. That ended in winter 94', when I found myself sensing people's feelings.
I refused to accept it for nearly 2 yrs. It was very random and scattered at first, but friends online a while ago got a taste of it when I finally accepted it, and used it a few times to very accurately pick off their feelings. This included using words they normally did, and phrases I normally didn't. It went beyond that too.
I saw things. Talking to a guy I knew online... he is a good friend, without him saying much at all... I flat out asked him "what was wrong?". He replied "why?", and I simply said "I doubt you drink that much jack Daniels very often".
He never told me he was drinking anything. Curious to see if my sensing was real (which I had told him about weeks earlier)... he asked if I could see if it was black label or green label JD, and I went as far to say "Black, and you are wearing your work shirt still". That freaked us both out pretty bad, cuz I never nailed things other than emotions before.
Its still very rare that I could see anything... One friend asked me if I could see a guy she loved, that loved her... but was still married. I nailed hair color, work boots, the fact that he wore mostly flannel shirts... and that his wife treated him like complete *beep*. I called her(the guys wife) a "witch", and she quickly said "that's what he called her(the wife) on the phone today". I was blown away again.
It has happened a few times, most recently being a nice teenager. She asked about angels in a channel, and I decided to have a simple chat. I explained my whole near death experience, then suddenly asked her if she had brown hair and blue eyes. She flipped, wondering if I was in the same cybercafe as her in Australia. Chicago is a bit far from aust. I've made a few believers in these last couple yrs., and I still find it hard to accept or discuss.
So... what does all this have to do with what I am looking for in life? Well... I seek to understand. in 1994... my life changed... and I am still learning. I understand more, but there is still so much I want to learn. I'd like to find someone that has a similar curiosity about life, about feelings, about communication, about love. I still hope for the day when someone will say "I completely understand you" and they really feel what I feel. More importantly... I hope for the day I can say "I truly accept and understand you fully" to someone, and have them faithfully believe it. Not just one person... but many... as friends too.
I seek a level of communication and understanding... that the likes of God would even smile down on. A level of emotion, and feelings... to be shared with as many people as possible in my lifetime. When I die... its only feelings and memories I'll be able to bring with... I should hope they will be good. That's all I want from life.